Tim's Testimony Part 3
I still had visits while at college. One of my flat mates told me that he had felt something weird going on in the unit the day after I had a visit. While at college, I became really good friends with two girls. One was a devout Jehovah’s Witness, and the other was a ‘born again Christian’, the same as the others I had been out cotton chipping with. Late one night I told them about the things that were happening to me. Lisa (the Jehovah’s Witness) told me that I was being attacked by demons, and the reason they didn't leave when I used Jesus’ name was because Christians have it all-wrong.
She used what was happening with me, and the way I felt towards her to preach to me. I disowned myself from the Catholic Church, and after awhile a started preaching to other people like she did. I had lots of Jehovah’s Witness literature, and was seriously thinking about becoming one. At that time these Mormons that went around door knocking were visiting me. They would come in and go through all of these studies with me. At first I thought it would be harmless, because of the family I used to know. But they were very convincing as well.
So I had a Jehovah’s Witness that I really liked, and I wanted to do anything to please her. There were these Mormons that were becoming a bit pushy wanting me to become a Mormon. I also had a few Christian friends, who were just that, friends, they never pressured me into doing anything, unlike the other ones. None of them could provide answers to what was happening to me. Nothing Lisa told me would work against the aliens, the Mormons didn't seem to interested in it, and I had just about a gut full of all these people telling me different things about God. I hated religion, and there were so many different ones out there, how the hell was I supposed to know what one to follow, even if there was a good.
I had been at college for almost a year. Seven weeks before the last semester was over, I tried Marijuana for the first time. Before that first time, I hated drugs, and I was never going to use them. For some stupid reason I did try it. And I loved it. One of my mates asked me how I felt. “This is what I have been waiting for all of my life,” I told him.
They always used to shout me, I never had to pay for it. They just liked having me around because I tripped them out while we were all stoned with the things that were going on in my life. But they didn't really care what was happening; they probably thought I was making it up. Goodbye Religion, I've found my own God!
I moved back home for the summer holidays, and went out cotton chipping again. After awhile I found a few drug dealers, and soon started smoking weed everyday. It was great. My mates in high school that smoked weed back then, loved the fact that I would now use it with them. I spent thousands of dollars on that drug.
It wasn't always pleasant though. After about a year of using it, I became paranoid. I'd have episodes while high where it felt like people were inserting voices or ideas into my head. I also realized that while ever I was using drugs, I didn't get the visits any more. That was an excuse I used to keep using the drug to for a while.
Most of the time though, whenever I’d get high, it would feel like my mind was on fire. I couldn't relax, and people would often see me going crazy. One time in my mates room, I was asked to balance a cd case on my head. I wouldn't do it because I thought that all the information on the cd would leak into my mind. Another time I was freaking out in the corner, and the people there were making it worse. They kept throwing stuff at me, and saying stuff to me that was really freaking me out. I stood up to get out of the room, and one of them threw something at me. It was a snake, and I screamed. When I had a proper look at it though, it was just a black belt.
Even though all this was going on, I wasn't going to stop using drugs, after a while I’d always calm down, and was able to enjoy the high. I knew it was bad for me though. I was watching TV in the living quarters about 200m up the road from where we lived. This night I was really stoned. It was having a really bad effect on me to. I couldn't go back to the house because I didn't want mum to see me in the state I was in, and I'd also probably get in trouble for using the stuff anyway. So I stayed there. They had the making of the Matrix on. On the documentary they explained a bit of what the story line was about. In the state of mind I was in, I took it all to be based on something that was real. And I just about flipped out. It was to much to handle.
I still couldn't go back home, so I stayed there and continued to watch TV. On one channel was a weather report. I was sure I could see things on the map that were indicating the end of the world. I was also very disturbed by the things I was seeing on the news. On the other channel there was a live movie of Alice in Wonderland, and I thought that if I watched it for to long, I would be stuck in the Movie that was taking place. On the other channel, car racing was on, and I thought that if I watched a car race and saw someone crash that I would die.
I was starting to really lose it. A bit later on that night, my brother Gerard, and his mate Robbie came in to smoke some weed with me. I wouldn't let them because I thought the weed was evil, and I didn't want them to be the same way as I was. They were concerned because I was talking about killing myself, and I thought that was the only way to end the madness I was in. I looked in the mirror in the room, and I thought my reflection was that of the devil. They calmed me down, and took me back home.
That night I went into my room and prayed the Our Father, the Hail Mary, and the prayer that my mum had taught me to pray. Dear God, thank you for my mum and dad, my brothers and sister, and my house and food, please forgive all my sins, and help me to be a good person. Good night God, I love you. Amen. I prayed those prayers just about every night I can remember up until I was about 18. At that moment, I thought that all the bad things would stop, and that I'd given my life back to God. I was coming off the high and started feeling good again, and went back to bed.
The next day I felt really sad, like something was missing. I was never going to use drugs again and I’d made myself right with God. But I was very sad. After about a week of not using drugs, I started getting visits again. I had a voice in my head that was trying to convince me to kill myself, and when I tried to sleep, that’s all I could think about. It was the only way to end my disappointing life.
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