My name is Amber Bousman. I was 15 years old when I became involved in satanism. It started my freshman year of high school. It began when I started hanging out with a guy named David Johnson. He was into drugs and satanism and that's how I got started in the same thing because he said it was all fun and games and I should try it. I didn't want to say no because I was afraid I would lose him as a friend so I told him that I would try it. Things went downhill from that point.
I started dressing in all black with heavy black eye make-up. I started ordering satanic items from the Internet including shirts so as to make sure everybody knew where I stood. I hated God because he never did anything for me. My prayers were never answered. It got to the point where I said screw God I can live my life on my own. I would copy things down from the satanic bible put them in a binder. My favorite, out of all the things I found, out were the nine satanic statements.
I saw Anton LaVey as a man to be admired because he had gotten farther with Satan than anybody that I had known had gotten with God. I began to perform satanic rituals in my bedroom under a black light with Marilyn Manson playing in the background. He happened to be one of my idols because he was open about how he felt about God too. I remember at one concert he sacrificed a goat on stage in front of everybody and he had hung plush angels from spikes above the stage. That told me that he wanted nothing to do with God because God was a fake. He never did anything for anybody but cause them grief. Things only got worse after all that.
I began to seclude myself in my room away from my family. I really didn't have many friends except David because everybody thought I was weird and crazy. People would make fun of me all the time and I thought that was God's way of getting back at me for what I had done but I didn't care. I hated God and I hated the people who loved God and who said God was wonderful and He could work in my life if I would just let him. I didn't listen to them. In fact it only made my hatred for God and Gods people even worse.
Everything soon began to get worse. I was always getting into trouble. There was never a time that I wasn't in trouble. I bought drugs from David by stealing money from people at school. I was always in trouble with the school, my mom, or the law. I hated life and anybody that tried to stop me from what I was doing. Nobody saw things the way I did. It seemed the farther I got into satanism the more people would distance themselves from me. The only person who stayed true to me was David. It got to the point where my own family didn't want to be around me.
So I was thinking I really don't need them anyway because they don't really care about me. They are just trying to lure me into their little trap. It worked for awhile. I went to counseling for my problems. That didn't last very long. I wouldn't talk to the counselors because I thought they were working against me too and I eventually stopped going. I began to seclude myself even more from everybody. I started cutting on myself with anything I could find. Like razor blades, broken glass, and broken cds that I broke just for that purpose. I would cut on myself so much that after awhile there was no more pain. I just did it because I felt I had to. I hid this from everybody too of course.
I wore black arm bracelets that were made out of sleeves of a t-shirt I cut up. My mom didn't understand what my problem was and I wasn't about to tell her because I wasn't stupid. She found out later when my 8th grade teacher called her and told her what was going on. I had to spend a week in St. Vincent's stress center in Indianapolis. I wouldn't talk to the counselors there either and when I did I fed them a whole bunch of lies so I could get out sooner and it worked. Exactly one week after being put in there I was out and doing the same stuff I had been doing before because I just didn't care. I hated my mother for a very long time after that incident because I thought that it was her fault what was happening to me.
After I had left the hospital I continued to go downhill. I continued to cut on myself, I continued to lose my friends one by one except David. I continued to destroy myself and my family. The worst thing of all of this was that I started to lose the trust of my mother which I had depended on for so long but little by little I began to lose it. But the thing was I really didn't care who I hurt anymore because I was such a bitter and evil person.
One time my mother and I were having a conversation about my behavior and she actually told me that she could feel Satan's presence and that she could see the hatred I had for everything and everybody. I was considered somewhat of a freak in and outside of school. That's when my run ins with the law started to happen. The cops would visit me at school and they would take me home handcuffed in a police car. That was the last straw for my mother. She was hurting deep inside because of me and I could care less. Then I was sent to Juvenile Detention Center for 45 days because of all the trouble i was getting into. It was mostly stealing but there were other things too. Even then I still didn't care. I would call my mother from jail but i wouldn't talk to her about upcoming court dates or the trouble i was in. I got out of juvenile hall and went to a placement called Hamilton Centers in Noblesville Indiana for troubled teens. Of course I messed up there too and that's when I was sent to White's Residential Family Services in Wabash Indiana which was a Christian facility which was against everything I as a satanist stood for.
I was in White's for a year and a month. While I was there I refused to cooperate at first because to me all the people there were stuck up Christian snobs. I soon realized that they really do care about me and I learned to get past my anger and work with the people that were trying to help me. I left there in May 25th of 2005. I will be home a year in two weeks. It's kind of funny how time passes without you knowing that it is already gone. I changed my life around so much. I learned to turn to Jesus with all of my problems. There are times when I feel that if I go back then everything will be ok. But then I realize that going back to the way I used to be was just giving Satan what he wants and I couldn't do that not after I had worked so hard to change my life. Life is really good for me. My mother and I get along better so do me and my sister. I still have problems. But I think we all have problems. I still haven't gotten over the cutting problem. That will take time and all I can do is take life as it comes and deal with whatever comes my way.
There is somebody I have to thank for the way my life has changed. His name is Sean Sellers. You may or may not have heard of him but even though he was a murderer he was also a satanist turned Christian. I know what some people say about people who find God on death Row. Sean wasn't like that. I truly believe that he was being genuine about wanting to turn his life around before he died. Satan turned Sean bad and made him do things that nobody in their right mind would do. Sean Sellers is my hero and if it weren't for him I would probably be locked up somewhere awaiting the fate that awaited Sean on February 4th 1999. I didn't really know Sean but because of what I went through I feel that I did. I know that because of God's forgiveness I will someday be able to meet him and thank him for everything he has done for me.