Religious joke #1

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell.

So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."

When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.

As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"


Religious Joke #2

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead.

She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence. "I think I'd throw up."


Religious joke #3

A preacher's little boy inquired, "Daddy, I notice every Sunday morning when you first come out to preach, you sit up on the platform and bow your head. What are you doing?"

The father explained, "I'm asking the Lord to give me a good sermon."

The little boy said, "Why doesn't he?"

Religious joke #4

While hiking deep in the woods, a man suddenly notices that he is being followed by a large grizzly bear. He starts to run away but the bear begins to chase him. Realizing the bear is quickly closing in, the man offers up an emergency prayer: "Oh God, I know you have influenced animals in the Bible like Balaam's donkey, if there is any way that this bear can become more like a Christian, I would really appreciate it."

As the final "amen" is said, the bear pounces on the man and pins him to the ground. But suddenly, the expression on the bear's face changes from that of anger to contentment, and the bear looks heavenward and places his paws reverently together, and starts to speak audibly just like Balaam's donkey, saying, "For this food we are about to receive, we give thanks."


Religious joke #5

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Mr. Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period. "Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."

"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt, "So, what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin'?"


Religious joke #6

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:

"Glory be unto the Father..... and unto the Son..... and into the hole he goes."


A little boy had gone to church with his mother. They were standing in the foyer of the church when the little boy looked up. On the wall was a plaque commemorating those who had died in the military.

The little boy said, "What's that, mommy?"

His mother replied, "That's a commemorative plaque honoring those who died in the service."

The little boy said, "Which one, mommy, morning, or evening?"


Religious joke #8

--"CHURCH FOOTBALL" - THE OTHER SUNDAY SPORT:

--QUARTERBACK SNEAK:

Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

--DRAW PLAY:

What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

--HALFTIME:

The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.

--BENCHWARMER:

Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

--BACKFIELD IN MOTION:

Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

--STAYING IN THE POCKET:

What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

--TWO MINUTE WARNING:

The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

--INSTANT REPLAY:

The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

--SUDDEN DEATH:

What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".

--TRAP:

You're called on to pray and are asleep.

--END RUN:

Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

--FLEX DEFENSE:

The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

--HALFBACK OPTION:

The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

--BLITZ:

The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.





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