Religious joke #1
Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell.
So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.
As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"
Religious Joke #2
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead.
She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence. "I think I'd throw up."
Religious joke #3
A preacher's little boy inquired, "Daddy, I notice every Sunday morning when you first come out to preach, you sit up on the platform and bow your head. What are you doing?"
The father explained, "I'm asking the Lord to give me a good sermon."
The little boy said, "Why doesn't he?"
Religious joke #4
While hiking deep in the woods, a man suddenly notices that he is
being followed by a large grizzly bear. He starts to run away but
the bear begins to chase him. Realizing the bear is quickly
closing in, the man offers up an emergency prayer: "Oh God, I
know you have influenced animals in the Bible like Balaam's
donkey, if there is any way that this bear can become more like
a Christian, I would really appreciate it."
As the final "amen" is said, the bear pounces on the man and pins
him to the ground. But suddenly, the expression on the bear's
face changes from that of anger to contentment, and the bear
looks heavenward and places his paws reverently together, and
starts to speak audibly just like Balaam's donkey, saying, "For
this food we are about to receive, we give thanks."
Religious joke #5
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Mr. Goldblatt, the new
teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the
usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin'
I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel
crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the
Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of
Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt, "So, what's
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all
the grown-ups doin'?"
Religious joke #6
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his
collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates
had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be
performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then
dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and
with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his
father always said:
"Glory be unto the Father..... and unto the Son..... and into
the hole he goes."
A little boy had gone to church with his mother. They were
standing in the foyer of the church when the little boy looked up.
On the wall was a plaque commemorating those who had died in the
The little boy said, "What's that, mommy?"
His mother replied, "That's a commemorative plaque honoring those
who died in the service."
The little boy said, "Which one, mommy, morning, or evening?"
Religious joke #8
--"CHURCH FOOTBALL" - THE OTHER SUNDAY SPORT:
Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
The period between Sunday School and worship when many
choose to leave.
Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything
--BACKFIELD IN MOTION:
Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain)
during the service.
--STAYING IN THE POCKET:
What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the
--TWO MINUTE WARNING:
The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and
begin to gather up your children and belongings.
The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's
What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the
preacher goes "overtime".
You're called on to pray and are asleep.
Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or
The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon
to affect your life.
The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the
The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
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