Clean Jokes Page 9
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says 'Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now.'
The man pleads with them, 'No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!'
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says 'Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence'.
The man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, 'The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.'
The man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, 'Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?'
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
Real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school:
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
ACRE: Literally means the amount of land plowable in one day. So in my case it would be four feet by four feet.
ANTIQUE: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.
BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
BOSS: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
CAR SICKNESS: The feeling you get when the car payment is due.
CIGARETTE: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.
COMPROMISE: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
COURTESY: The art of yawning with your mouth closed.
DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
DOCTOR: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
EXPERIENCE : The name men give to their mistakes.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him/her
Cat Diary Human Translator
'HERE KITTY KITTY KITTY...'Means that humans want to take you somewhere, most likely the vet. Avoid it.
'I HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOU!'Probably left over human food they were about to throw out.
'HERE'S SOME KITTY TREATS...'Most likely another foil wrapped appeals-to-a-human Madison Avenue concoction. Real kitty treats are usually opportunitieswhen no one's paying attention and you get to lick the ice cream in the bowl, or jump on the table for that great piece of meat loaf.
'YOU ARE SOOOOOO CUTE!'You are about to rub noses with a human. They can never get enough of our tiny fur- coated bodies and irresistible faces. Human noses are sooo warm. Ugh.
'YOU'RE IN MY CHAIR!' or 'YOU'RE TAKING UP TOO MUCH OF THE BED!'You picked the right spot. You are right where you should be.
'DARN CAT HAIR!'You left your hair out in the open where humans can see it and properly clean it up.
'STOP THAT!'.Means you were caught. Remember exactly where you were and get back to it - once they leave the house.
'GET OUT OF HERE!'Do not take this personally. It's usually the first thing they say after you wake them up by sticking your backside in their face.
SNAPPING OF FINGERS:They want you to come over. If they want me, they'll come get me. Otherwise, get a dog.
'I LOVE YOU...'Means just that. No translation needed here. And we love you, too.
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Joe, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!
Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony. "Help, help!" yells one of the blondes. "Help us, help us!" yells the other.
"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.
"Good idea," said the other.
So the both started yelling, "Together! Together!"
If people from Poland are called 'Poles', whyaren't people from Holland called 'Holes'?
Do you suppose infants enjoy infancy as muchas adults enjoy adultery?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called apianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why isn't 11 pronounced 'onety one'?
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in our galaxy you will believe them. But if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you have to touch it to be sure?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?Is it allowed to drink tea during cofee breaks?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If olive oil comes from olives, and corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
HOW TO PLEASE YOUR I.T. DEPARTMENT
[A quick check list for those who need to make contact.]
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophiesand children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saverpasswords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computerwon't power on at all.
5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them isbound to work.
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Kitty Cat Clean Jokes was made with: