Clean Jokes - Part IITeach The Bible To Change Lives Quit Smoking Right Now
Dear God: I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! - Eugene Dear God: Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma Dear God: We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. Sincerely, Courtney GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2. Wrinkles don't hurt. 3. Families are like fudge-mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a rollercoaster. 5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 1. You believe in Santa Claus 2. You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3. You are Santa Claus. 4. You look like Santa Claus An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop....Acts 2:38!" (turn from your sin). The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?", replied the burglar. "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!".
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father. 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time. 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it -- it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers. 3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5 PM to 10 PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10 PM put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1 AM. Put the alarm on for 3 AM. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2 AM and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 AM. Get up again at 3 AM when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4 AM. Put the alarm on for 5 AM. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. 4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look? 5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this -- all morning. 6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee. 7. Forget the Miata and buy a minivan. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect! 8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk. 9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times. 10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children. 11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby. 12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "I love you, you love me," at work, now! you finally qualify as a parent. A burglar got into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you." He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables. He again heard, "Jesus is watching you." This time, he shone his light all over, and it rested on a parrot. He asked, "Did you say that?" The parrot admitted that it had. "I'm just trying to warn you, that's all." The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?" "Moses." "Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?" The bird answered, "I don't know; I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."
WHY GOD LOVES BLONDES A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."
Lotto night comes and she does not win. Brandi again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house, and now I'm going to lose my car." Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.
Once again, she Prays... " Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God himself...
"Brandi, work with me on this ... Buy a ticket." A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
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