Clean Jokes Page 8
During a trial, a lawyer cross examines a doctor about a victim's death.
Q: 'Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?'A: 'No'
Q: 'Did you check for breathing?'A: 'No'
Q: 'So then it is possible the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?'A: 'No'
Q: 'How can you be so sure, doctor?'A: 'Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.'
Q: 'But could the patient still have been alive nevertheless?'A: 'It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.'
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right question," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: 'Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?'"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and goodbye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that technique in the future!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms. "I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" says Jesse.
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you Sir?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately call a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.
Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me of course, you idiot."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "You're wrong, you idiot. It's Tony Blair!!"
A farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.The lawyer said, "How can I help you?"
The farmer said, "I wanna get me one of those dayvorces."
The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres."
The lawyer said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays."
The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I ain't got no case, but I got a John Deere."
The lawyer said, "No, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere."
The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"
The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30."
The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?"
The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants one of those dayvorces."
A salesman was going door to door trying to sell his wares. As he walked up to the next house, he noticed a small boy sitting on the front steps.
"Is your mother home?" the salesman asked.
"Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past. The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door.
Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your mother was home."
The kid replied, "She is."
The man said, "Then why doesn't she answer the door when I knock? Is she hard of hearing?"
"She can't hear it," replied the boy, "because I don't live here."
Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?'
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, 'Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?'
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, 'What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!'
Clean Jokes Page 7
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