Clean Jokes Continued
Little Johnny was at Sea World, and was having a wonderful time; but he absolutely refused to go to the show to see Shamu, the killer whale. He would not say why he didn't want to go, and nothing grandma, grandma, mom, or dad said would change his mind about it.
Later, after he got home and was snuggling into his bed to go to sleep, he finally told his Mom his reason:
"Mommy," he said, "I didn't want to go see Shamu because yesterday Aunt Susie told me how exciting the show would be because they 'pick children from the audience to feed Shamu.'"
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar."
FORTY YEAR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION SONGS:
--The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
--Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
--Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"
--The Temptations - "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
--ABBA - "Denture Queen"
--Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
--Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
--Procol Harem - " A Whiter Shade of Hair"
--Steely Dan - "Rikki Don't Lose Your Car Keys"
--Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown You've Got a
--Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through the Grape
--The Who - "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
Brain teasers that will make you groan ...
A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?
What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.
The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.
Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.
The answer is Charcoal.
Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!
The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph...
A blonde called in a repairman to fix her electric clock.
He examined it and told her, "There's nothing wrong with the clock. You didn't have it plugged in."
She replied, "I don't want to waste electricity, so I only plug it in when I want to know what time it is."
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