More Clean Jokes
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign that read: "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust."
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother and found a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember."
Q: What do you put in a toaster?
A: The answer is bread. If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else before you hurt yourself. If you said "bread", go to the next question.
Q: Say "silk" five times. Now, spell "silk." What do cows drink?
A: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over- stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World." If you said "water", then proceed to the next question.
Q: If a red house is made with red bricks, a blue house is made with blue bricks, a pink house is made with pink bricks, a black house is made with black bricks, what is a greenhouse made with?
A: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to the next question.
Q: Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing. Unfortunately, the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no-man's-land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no-man's-land?"
A: You don't, of course, bury the survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated... If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.
Q: If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute, then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
A: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything else other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.
Q: Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. Now, what was the name of the bus driver?
A: Oh, for Heaven's sake... It was you!
It was autumn, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets, so when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. 'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect Every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!'
Things Mother Taught Me
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4 My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE."I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION."Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
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