More Good Clean Jokes
A rich man was near death, and was saddened because he had worked so hard for his money, and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So, he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth along. An angel heard his plea and appeared to him.
"Sorry," the angel said, "but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implored the angel to speak to God to see if He might make an allowance. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man got his largest suitcase, filled it with pure gold bars, and placed it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man died and showed up at the gates of heaven
to greet St. Peter. St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said, "Hold
on, you can't bring that in here!" The man explained to St. Peter
that he had permission, and told him to verify his story with God. St. Peter checked and came back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
He opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man
found too precious to leave behind, and exclaimed, "You brought
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel
has always been rough.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given
by David Letterman.
A little boy was given a five dollar bill to put in the collection plate. When the offering came around, he wouldn't put it in.
But after the end of the service, when he went to shake the pastor's hand, he pulled out the five dollar bill and gave it to the pastor.
The pastor asked him, "Why are you giving me this money? Why didn't you put it in the offering plate?"
And the boy answered, "Because my mommy told me you're the poorest pastor we've ever had!"
"Daddy, where did I come from?" the eight-year-old asked.
It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproductions.
Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly.
"Does that answer your question?" her father asked.
"Not really," the little girl said. "Marcia said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."
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If you build it...they will come