Even More Bible Jokes

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."

A Reverend from a Presbyterian Church in Kansas relates this story:

After a four year old boy told his father that he had a stomach ache, the father suggested: "That's because it's empty. You'd feel better if you had something in it." He gave the child a glass of juice.

A couple of days later, the family's pastor came by to visit the family. The pastor mentioned that he had a bad headache. The little boy responded: "That's because it's empty. You'd feel better if you had something in it."

Church Bulletin Bloopers - Part I

1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

5. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

6. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk please come early.

7. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come and do so.

8. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when Rev. Jones supplied our pulpit.

9. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen every Friday at 4:00 P.M.

10. Mrs. Beverly Smith will sing: "Oh, take me to my little bed " accompanied by the pastor.


God is a little like General Electric He lights your path.

God is a little like Bayer Aspirin He works wonders.

God is a little like Hallmark Cards He cared enough to send the very best.

God is a little like Tide He gets out the stains that others leave behind.

God is a little like VO-5 Hair Spray He holds through all kinds of weather.

God is a little like Dial Soap Aren't you glad you know Him?

Don't you wish everyone did?

God is a little like Wal Mart He has everything.

God is a little like Alka Seltzer Oh, what a relief He is!

God is a little like Scotch Tape You can't see Him but you know He's there!

God is a little like The Copper Top Battery Nothing can outlast him.

God is a little like American Express Don't leave home without Him!

--Author Unknown

Church Bulletin Bloopers - Part II

1. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

2. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.

4. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

5. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

6. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

7. The pastor, to the members of Women's ministries: "I thank you for your thighs and offerings."



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