More Bible Humor
One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual and that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in one of the plates. He was so excited that he immediatelyshared his joy with his congregation. He said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the front. The pastor told her how wonderful her gift was and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, I'll take him and him and him!
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.
The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.
He says to his congregation, 'All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand.'
The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher says even more loudly, 'And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!'
The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he says, 'I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!'
There was a church where the preacher and the song leader were not getting along. This began to spill over into the worship service.
One week the preacher preaches on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The song leader led the song,"I Shall Not Be Moved".
The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving & how we should gladly give to the work of the lord. The song leader then led the song, "Jesus Paid It All".
The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The song leader then led the song"I Love To Tell The Story".
The preacher became very disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning.The song leader then led the song "Oh, Why Not Tonight".
As it came to pass, the preacher resigned and the next week informed the church that it was Jesus that led him there and it was Jesus that was taking him away. The song leader then led the song "What A Friend We Have in Jesus".
Driving through a small Southern town I saw a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I decided to stop at a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town. I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
She responded in annoyance, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
Bible Humor Page 4
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