Bible Humor Page 4
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says, 'I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.'
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!
Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?'
And the man replied, 'I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.'
And it was so...
'God created the mule,' and told him, 'you will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.'
The mule answered: 'To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.' And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, 'You will be Dog, and hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.'
And the dog responded, 'Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.' And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, 'You are Monkey, and you shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.'
And the monkey responded, 'Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please Lord, give me no more than 10 years.' And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, 'You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.'
And the man responded, 'Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected.' And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.
Did you hear about the town's richest man who met with the minister after the Sunday service?
"Why does everyone call me cheap and stingy?" complained the man. "I've told everyone I'm leaving half my money to the church when I die."
The minister nodded. "It reminds me of the story about the pig and the cow. The cow was much loved by the farmer and his neighbors, while the pig was not popular at all. The pig could not understand this and asked the cow about it.
'How come you are so well liked, cow? People say you're good because you give milk and butter and cream every day. But I give more than that. From me they get bacon and ham; they even pickle my feet. Yet I'm not popular and you are. Why do you think that is?'
The cow looked down at the pig and answered, 'Perhaps it's because I give while I'm still alive.'
A poor man came into a small town out west and while looking for some kind of help, he went to one of the local churches. He wasgreeted by the pastor who, when hearing of the poor man's troubles decided to feed and clothe him. Much to the man's surprise, thepastor even decided to provide him with a donkey and someadditional items to help him on his journey.
"But", warned the pastor, "I must tell you, that to make the donkey go, you have to say 'Hallelujah' and then to make the donkey stop, you must say 'Amen'. If you remember that, you'll be fine."
The poor man graciously thanked the preacher, mounted the donkey,and continued his journey.
As the sun began to set, he decided to stop the donkey and find a place to rest. But the only problem was, he couldn't remember howto stop the donkey!
The donkey kept going on for another ten minutes or so, until they started to get near a dangerous cliff. Now the man started getting nervous. He tried almost everything to get the donkey to stop, but it would not.
He finally decided to pray to God to save him. He ended the prayer by saying "Amen" out loud, and the donkey stopped just right onthe edge of the cliff. Had he waited one second more, he would have fallen off the cliff to his doom.
When he saw that the donkey had stopped, he shouted out in joy,"Hallelujah!"...
Bible Humor Page 3
Bible Humor Page 5
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